how i survived...

for the most part of my life, i was seated comfortably on the back seat of a car being driven by someone on some nice roads. my only job was to remain seated and enjoy the view through the glass. true, sometimes the ride got bumpy, ran out of gas, etc. but then i knew where life was taking me. and then one day i was given the wheel to my life...


i do not know how many times i fell in and out of consciousness. i had lost complete track of time. i dint know if i had been stuck here for hours or weeks. i had lost a lot of blood. the pain that was shooting up my leg all this time had been replaced by a numbness. or had i imagined the pain all this while?


after having a learner’s license for some time, i was given the license to drive my own life. at first, i enjoyed the speed, the thrill and the freedom of it all. i got careless. and that’s when it happened. i don’t remember much of it. just that i lost control and my life went off the road into the woods...


i was holding onto the rocks around me to prevent myself from going over. my current situation, though protecting my life, was also taking a heavy toll on me, i just dint know it yet. the waters which seemed like such a blessing thus far, felt alternately like sharp swords and a wall of molten metal against me...


i had no idea where i was... there was no sign of my car... i was just happy that i was not hurt... i was hungry and i needed water. i could hear a stream somewhere in the woods. there was no visible path before me. i could not think of anything helpful. but i started to make my way towards the source of the sound...


i must’ve been crying, i just didn’t know it. i had no energy left.


the stones hurt my feet and thorns pricked my body, but i kept going... somehow i felt no fear. at that time, my only concern was getting to the water, life-giving water. did it sound closer now? yes. i’m going in the right direction. it must just be beyond those boulders. no? ok, maybe just a little more ahead...


so i stayed put there, for want of a better way out. i knew i could not stay there forever, but the options before me were not too enticing. the water kept coming at me relentlessly...


and then i saw it. beneath a silver moon, black waters slipping by. i drank my fill. and then some more. i rested. when the dawn came, i saw how worn out i was. my problem of thirst was replaced by a fear of being lost. i wandered on the bank of the river, hoping for a sign, some clue, but there was nothing...


i feared to free my leg. i did not know if i had the strength to assess the situation. would the currents take me over? can i make it to the other shore? or maybe at least return to my shore? there was fruit on this side, i knew it, i wanted it. but i also wanted to get away from this situation. so should i try to drag myself to the other shore? would the next few rocks be slippery? what if i lost my hold? maybe the falls was not so deep after all...


on the far side, there seemed to be many paths. all leading in different directions. but i was not sure if they actually existed, or if it was just a mirage. should i abandon my source of water and nourishing fruits i found by this bank, for the unknown of the other side?


i had been stuck here for so long that my time on the highway felt like a dream now, or maybe even a past life! every muscle in my body ached from holding on and my mind screamed to let go, but there was something else egging me to hang on...


cut off from the world i was fast getting disillusioned. i had no idea if someone was even looking for me. it was then i decided to move on from my haven and try to cross this river before me. i chose out a seemingly harmless looking spot to begin my crossing...


the hot afternoons were replaced by cold nights, which made way for another day under the sun. i did not remember when i had last slept. my eyelids were getting heavy, but i could not afford to sleep now.


the water was warm and welcoming and i made good progress. i was about halfway through when the currents got much stronger... i probably should’ve turned around, but i pressed on. and then i missed my foothold...


the chill was long gone, replaced by an acceptance brought on by helplessness. the deafening roar of the river scared me no more. i was here to conquer it as much as it was there to vanquish me...


i got swept off my feet and carried away swiftly by the waters... i had no time to react. by the time i understood what was going on, i was hurtling toward sharp rocks jutting out from the riverbed and an ominous crashing sound, a waterfall...


i opened my eyes with a start. my heart was beating wildly. had i fallen asleep? was this a dream? no. i am still in the same position. had i fallen asleep? or was i dreaming now that i’m still here. the pain was still very real. had i gone over the edge and only my mind now remains of me, stuck here in an infinite loop? are those people i see on the river banks? yes, they are people from my past and they are looking at me. no, there is no one there, i’m just hallucinating...


i don’t know when or how, but just before the water fell off the edge in a great cascade, my foot got stuck in a crevice. i dared not see over the edge, for i knew it was a long way down... the blood from my wounds mixed with the water and gave it a red tinge in the afternoon sun...


but then i saw the beauty of the moment. i forgot the pain for a while. the mild sun made a thousand rainbows in the droplets rising from the falls. the river seemed to have slowed down, it was no longer pushing me. the breeze cooled my soul. as far as the eyes could see, there were green trees downriver. this water gave life. i lived to fight another day, there was still hope, i could make my choice later. i saw some birds flying toward the skies and i closed my eyes and became a bird, flying into the blue skies with them, with nothing to hold me down...

bas raat ka saath...

palak jhapakne se girte hain aansu,
bheed mein bhi tanhai ki aahat sunai deti hai,
aaj phir guzra main un raahon se,
jahan tere khayalon ki mehek aati hai...

tujhe dekhne tarasti hain nigaahein,
mann bechain ho jaata hai,
haath kahin choot gaye the in raahon mein,
par aaj itne anjaan lage tum ki dil bhar aata hai...

another one bites the dust...

Deeply absorbed in my day as I was, I had failed to notice that the end had come about so swiftly. As I dropped him off for the last time at his turn, I suddenly realized that we were all going to miss his quirky humour and friendly grin from the next day. I watched him as he trudged along with his stuff, declining my offer to drop him closer to home as always, quietly, under the orange glow of the street lights.

As I have been so many times over the years now, once again, I knew I was going to be left with no company to share the miserable food and watery juice everyday. No one to share my suffering and to make grand plans with me everyday. Not comfortable thoughts. Having said that, he's the guy who probably threw my meticulous account system out of gear!

It seemed like an eternity before he became obscure in the sparse late night crowd on his lane. For the first time I saw that he had a long way to walk, all these days, now and in the days to come.

Thinking about the cowardice of it all, a dark fist of anger rose within me. But all I could do was knock the wind out of myself with that. Yeah, that's all I could ever do... Is it good to always try to be politically correct?

My thoughts went back to how similar, yet how different we were. All we wanted to do was work, sincerely, honestly. Backbreaking work, that would put us to sound sleep every night, with the contentment that it was a good day's work and wake up the next day with the zeal to tackle some more hurdles. Yet, all we got was indifference. A weird world where the collective good is put after huge egos. He probably saw it coming. And let go of the sinking boat before it could take him down with it. Else, a few years from now, he would be me...

Surrounded as we were by fake smiles and false promises, it was always easy to let go of righteousness and become a back stabber like the rest of the mob. But choosing to fight it out, albeit knowingly in a losing cause, was the honourable thing to do. At least we did not have to cower behind any excuses. Whatever was done was there for everyone to see. Our motives unquestionable. And for that, a pat on the back is deserved. We are a dwindling tribe indeed!

I'm sure he finds himself all at sea now. Wishing he'd never let go of that boat. But stay afloat my friend. Its dark now and when the sun rises tomorrow, you'll see that land is well within reach. It always was, we just couldn't see it in the night...

...

"I close my eyes and I let my body shut itself down and I let my mind wander. It wanders to a familiar place. A place I don't talk about or acknowledge exists. A place where there is only me. A place that I hate. I am alone. Alone here and alone in the world. Alone in my heart and alone in my mind. Alone everywhere, all the time, for as long as I can remember. Alone with my Family, alone with my friends, alone in a Room full of People. Alone when I wake, alone through each awful day, alone when I finally meet the blackness. I am alone in my horror. Alone in my horror..."
-james frey, a million little pieces

dim blue light...

As the darkness is occasionally disturbed by the lights of oncoming vehicles,
I yearn to see if you will smile,
as the bus eats away the miles to our destination swiftly,
I wonder if you would be mine,
there is only a dim blue light between us girl.

Brightly lit temples we pass,
and there is a soft drizzle on the glass,
the breeze from the open window blows your hair towards me,
and I wait to see your face in the glow of your cell phone,
there is only a dim blue light between us girl.

Sleep eludes me even as everyone else is fast asleep,
having seen you smile once, I want to see it again.
I watch you as you stare out dreamily from the frosted windows,
as you try to breathe in the smell of wet earth through your tiny little nose.
There is only a dim blue light between us girl.

There is a slow song playing in my head all the while
and I'm torn between my desires of reaching home early
being beside you forever.
As you fiddle with your bangle and steal innocent glances,
I know you too are thankful for this dim blue light between us girl...

photography...

photography (noun) the art and technology of producing images on photosensitive surfaces, and its digital counterpart.

Photography was a hallowed art once, with seasoned practitioners, who perfected their art over the years. Every town had one or two famous studios where one used to get their photos clicked. Ah! What an occasion that used to be! There would be a tinge of thrill in the air when the people got ready to go to the studio. Carefully selecting their attire, powdering their noses, meticulously parting their hair, adjusting bindis, oiling moustaches... And once at the studio, trying to strike the perfect pose, while the photographer adjusted the lights to bring out that perfect photograph, after umpteen looks at the studio mirror to ensure that no strand of hair stood out of place.

It was probably a curious art form earlier, when the photographer vanished behind a huge camera, under a blanket, to click those exceptional black and white photographs of yore. Stately princes with their kills, royals in all their jewelled splendour, temples and palaces which seem to be stuck in a black and white time though the world was as colourful as it is now. (Little secret: I find it hard to imagine my ancestors in colour till this day! They will always be the black and white image of themselves which I glanced upon sometime)

Then there was the era of the family hand-held camera. Those little gadgets which accompanied families on outings, wrapped in a soft cloth. It revolutionized photography, much like when the Indian economy was opened. It meant that anyone could be a photographer & you could treasure the memories of your trips forever in a hard bound album. But as rolls came with only 24 or 36 shots, it took careful consideration & calculation to ensure that you had a photo of the best moments of the trip. There was not a photo to waste!

And then came the digital cameras. Bulky apparitions to begin with, but they got sleeker with time, and bulky again - to support more features. They sounded the death knell for small photo studios & analog cameras. And now with cameras in every mobile, there is not an ounce of privacy left in anyone's life! You never know when someone will point a camera in your face & pop a picture! A candid moment...

But somehow instead of making photography enjoyable, digital cameras have taken the joy out of it. You don't treasure your photographs, you don't love your cameras - because you are too busy looking for upgrades, you don't remember your trip because you spent the whole time either taking pictures or posing for them!

The number of photos you can take in a digital camera is virtually infinite. As soon as your memory cards start getting loaded, all you got to do is transfer all the photos to some web album, and you are ready to start fresh again!

What has happened though now is when 10 people go on a trip, at least half the members carry a digital camera, and each one will upload 500 odd photos. Compare this with the times when a group had to adjust with just one analog camera and means only for 24/36 photos! So now at the end of our trip, we have 2500 odd photos & a mild headache going through them & no one really wants to see them again a few years down the line.

So has technology really improved our lives? Or are we just using things just because they are available to us, falling into a bottomless pit as we do so? Of course, all these advances in technology means that we get a lot better photographs than we used to, we have access to all our photos at any time, we don't have to wait for a week for the photos to be developed, we can reorganize albums as we wish...

At the end of it all, just one moment stands out in my mind. I was in a theatre in Pune, on screen a father and son were walking on the breakwater towards the sunset while the mother stood on the shore with a newborn. When they reach the end, the father realizes that he has forgotten to bring his camera along & now it’s too late to turn back and fetch it as they would miss the glorious sunset. So he kneels down next to his little son and tells him that they can’t photograph this moment, "Remember it always. Remember that you and I made this journey and went together to a place where there was nowhere left to go"

The photo was etched in our memory forever...

blast from the past...

Do you know the feeling when you have a song stuck in your head & just cant get it out? Well, I've had my fair share of absolutely ridiculous numbers playing on and on for days together in my mind, so much that every time I open my mouth to hum a song, I subconsciously sing that same irritating tune!

The last few days, I've been humming this song we wrote in the 7th standard! I have no idea how it found its way back to my conscious mind. Here is how it goes (Yes! I actually remember the lyrics from a song written for a school play over 13 years ago - though I cant go grocery shopping without a list!):

Trees, the beautiful trees,

they give us all that we shall need,

wood for furniture,

fruit for our dessert,

leaves for medicine,

& yet we're hard to please,

we cut them down without mercy,

as pretty as we please,

oh! what a beautiful world,

ours would have been,

if only each of us,

plant a tree within!

Maybe it's because of the Earth Hour this evening...