hakuna matata...

"what did i do to deserve this?" - this question crosses our mind at various points in our life. more often than not, it is when we are in pain. no one really thinks "what did i do to deserve this?" when something good happens to them. then it is just meant to happen. but when we put in a lot of hope and effort into something and it does not pay off, we immediately think, "why me?", when some random bad thing happens to you, "why me?" life is not fair, it never was and it never will be.

when you put your pain and suffering against some things that happen in the world today, the way some people live, the way some people are treated, or just what some people go through, you will realize just how wonderful your life really is. people always see upwards and think "if i had what this person has, i would be happy". very few look below and think "i have so much more than this person, what more do i need?" those few are truly happy. maybe their life is not perfect, but they understand what they have is truly precious.

if we see a rainbow in the sky, we do not stop to think "what did i do to deserve this?" well, most of us do not even seem have the time to stop and look at such miracles we get to witness for free! just think for a minute, the process which brings a rainbow before you; what you are doing at that moment would seem really trivial then. and when that rainbow fades away, we do not walk away disappointed, we are just happy for something so beautiful.

even God is not spared pain. then why should you be an exception? when this seed of acceptance sprouts in you, then you will know that you would not get any problem that you cannot handle. then you will think that you can beat this. do not let pain change you. i spotted something wonderful written outside a place of worship today - "i will not fail thee". it is an assurance and a responsibility.

your heart is probably the only organ in your body which starts working even before you are born and stops only when you are dead. it does not take any breaks. do not weigh it down further with hatred! there is enough love to go around, just open your eyes. after all, our paths only cross for a brief moment in eternity, yet that moment is an eternity in itself...

feel blessed, feel thankful...

the anniversary... (part 1)

She was angry with herself and thinking about what could be prepared quickly for dinner as she climbed the dark staircase to her house. But she felt more tired than angry. Work had been really hectic of late. The new project manager was always stressing on meeting deadlines as this was an important client for the company. She was not about to let one botched delivery ruin her entire year's efforts, when the appraisals were due next week! Her module was ready and she was set to leave for the day. As per habit, she hit the "refresh" button on her mailbox as she gathered her belongings from the desk and stuffed them into her bag. She instantly realized that she shouldn't have done that. Sure enough, "You have 1 unread mail" popped up on her screen. She wanted to ignore it, lock her screen and go home, but could not.

"Hey! Great work. It looks perfect! But we were just wondering if..." went the mail. That "if" kept her at her workstation for another 3 hours. Finally when she got up to leave, almost the entire office had emptied out. A few cubicles were still lit up. She passed by her manager's desk, who acknowledged her effort with a depressed smile. "At least he himself does what he expects others to do" she thought as she swiped her ID at the attendance-recording machine by the door. "Hope he remembers this in next week's appraisals!"
She'd forgotten to wear her watch. The time on the machine said 21:03. She hung her head. "No way I'm changing two buses to get home at this hour." As she walked out of the main gate, she hailed a passing auto-rickshaw. Rummaging through her bag, she found her mobile phone and sent her husband a text, "Leaving office now. Will be home in some time."

She did not even argue with the auto-walah, when he acted as if he did not have any change, on reaching her apartment's gate. She was just too tired. With a shrug she began to trudge up the three floors to get to her house. "Guess it'll have to be daal-rice again for dinner" she thought to herself. They had stopped eating out for sometime now, avoiding all unnecessary expenditures to save up for their own flat. "It's been over two weeks, no one has bothered to get the staircase power line checked" she murmured in disapproval as she ran her hand through the various partitions of her bag, standing in front of her door, trying to feel for the house keys. He'd not replied to her text, so her husband was either not home yet, in a bad mood from being overworked at office or watching some game on the TV! She was contemplating ringing the bell, when the door opened. "Thought I heard you out there", her husband said cheerfully, letting her in, as she blinked her eyes to adjust to the sudden bright light from their hall.

"Got a little caught up with work. Dint realize how late it was!" she said with a sigh and dropped her bag on the sofa. "I sent you a text though. Dint you get it?" she continued, slowing down towards the question, eyes suddenly widening, surprised at what she saw. The table was properly laid out for dinner! "Yeah, just saw your message" he said with a sheepish grin, "Why don't you change, and then we can have dinner?" "Dinner?! Did you order food?" she asked incredulously. "No, I cooked" came the reply as he disappeared into the kitchen. "You cooked? Seriously?" she asked, following him. "Yes dear! I do possess other talents apart from being able to open those jars with tight lids which you struggle with, you know!" he said with a wink. "Now hurry up, I'm hungry!"

She went into their room to change, still mystified, thinking of the possible reasons and unable to come up with any.

you know what?

it has been a crazy day
no one gets what you have to say
everything you stood for is gone
and yet, you have to fight on

you feel that this is all the battering you can take
only so many smiles you can fake
when no happiness can be found
and there is no hope being passed around

the problems outnumber the solutions
living is just going through the motions
your friends just do not bother
and you cannot tell one day from another

you feel that there is nothing more you can do
there is no one you can talk to
remember me, your burden i shall bear
and softly into your ears say, "i care"

i know the wars i can fight are few
but i have always been standing there beside you
so when you are going over the edge, give me a call
and i will be there to break your fall

there may be too many expectations to meet
all you want to do is rest your feet
go ahead, get some sleep
and hold my hand, take this leap

you know what?
tomorrow will be wonderful...

time goes on...

everyday, to the rising sun i say,

i am going to run faster than you today,

and time goes on...

at high noon, i still think i may,

even though on my back i lay,

and time goes on...

by sunset i am reminded of the dues to pay,

and i think to myself, there is always another day,

and time goes on...

(but by night, sleepless i stay,

awake, yet dreaming of the other way,

and time goes on...)

nature blues...

saw a little insect today,

seemed like a cousin of the bee

curled up there it lay,

though it was meant to fly, to be free

with tiny little wings,

and a body as blue as can be

even in death so beautiful, that my heart sings,

thank you nature, for having more colours than we can see...

a dimpled angel...

most guys harbour a fantasy that they would meet a pretty girl when they are travelling and instantly hit it off, fall in love, have a fairytale wedding and live happily ever after. this extreme optimism surfaces without fail everytime we get into our bus, train or flight and the adjacent seat is vacant. i am not sure if it is something brought on by genes or movies, but each of us has surely thought at some point of time, "this is going to be my lucky day!"

well, i have had my dreams cruelly ended almost everytime, by various causes. oily, mustached men, stinking, pot-bellied men, snoring men, men smelling of gutka, alcohol and themselves, loud men on their phones, coughing men, sneezing men, spitting men, godmen (self styled)... heck, even a filled coop of clucking chicken once! but braving the odds, we always looked ahead to the next journey!

and then one night...

i was at a tiny station in the middle of nowhere. the moon was just a sliver, peeking at us from between dark clouds. as the public address system blared out that my train was expected in some time, i started walking to the spot where my bogie was to stop. i had reached the dark end of the small platform, with only sleepy dogs for company. maybe it is when you expect it the least that something amazing happens to you...

my train arrived and i got on with the single point agenda of catching some sleep. the fact that my stomach was growling with hunger and there was nothing to eat at this unearthly hour meant that it would be difficult. i got busy searching for my berth, partly thankful that staying awake meant lesser chances of me missing my destination station - a constant fear, given my track record!

it was only when i was settled on my upper berth, flinching at the light still kept on, followed it unto the switch on the side lower berth, that our eyes first met. an angelic face, wide open eyes - even this late at night, hand frozen halfway in her packet of chips. she gave me a curious look, and smiled. i was hooked!

i waved at her and she waved back. she mouthed me something which i could not understand. almost everyone around us were fast asleep. she said something again, louder, which is when i understood that she was speaking a different language, and also when her family woke up. damn!
i quickly re-adjusted my position. she was being admonished for being up so late from what i could understand. her voice was so sweet!

the light was switched off and she lay down. i could still make out her face from the dim light. she was awake! i waved my lit mobile screen at her, and she waved back with a giggle. i was smiling a wide smile - a banana could be stuffed into my mouth sideways!

the hours swiftly sped by...

all too soon my station was coming up. the lights came on. she was sitting there, looking at the mirror with a forlorn look on her face. i felt a tinge of sadness at having to get off the train. but as i was getting down from my berth, the unimaginable happened! her family was also up, pulling out their luggage from under the berths. i gave her a broad smile, but she was still brooding.

her family was complaining about the rains at this time of the year. i took my chance at initiating a conversation. it turned out they were coming here for the first time and had not planned out anything. they had not even decided the places to visit! as the train pulled into our station, i had finished listing out the places they should see on their trip. as her family alighted, a little less nervous about their trip now, she got up, pretty in pink, looked at me, shook my hand and got off without a word.

i did not know what to say. i got off quietly. it was raining heavily. i stood under the crowded shelter on the platform, while they made their way towards the exit in the rain. suddenly i had an idea! i jogged up behind them and offered to drop them in my car, which was parked outside. they gratefully agreed, but she was still in a sombre mood. i flashed her a quick smile and rushed out.

i paid the parking attendant, got my car out, reversed it in the wrong direction on a one-way lane toward the station exit where they were waiting for me. opening the doors, i grinned at them sheepishly, ruffled my wet hair and hoped that i would not catch a cold tomorrow.

the streets were deserted at this late hour. while everyone talked in the car, she sat there silently, looking out of the rain-streaked window. i kept looking at her in the rear-view mirror, but she would not look at me.

the rain had subsided and there was only a cold wind blowing as i parked in front of their hotel and helped them with their bags. i invited them home, as a formality, and they politely thanked me and said they will try to come. she smiled wryly at me. maybe she was tired, but it seemed like she was saying "this was going to happen..."

i got into the car and they waved me goodbye, and i set off for the long drive home... who knows, another journey, another time, someone may be waiting for me...


epilogue: why did i not ask her for her number? simple. she did not know much of hindi or english, she could count only up to 12, and her age was probably that divided by 4 - so i do not think she owned a mobile phone! but i will always remember her cute dimpled smile...

mischievous smile...

natkat hasi wali ladki,
tumhe apna kehne ko dil tarasta hai,
tumhare aankhon ki khushi,
tumhari zulfon ki khushbhu ko dil tarasta hai,
tumhare naak pe baite gusse,
tumhari maasoom hatheliyon ko dil tarasta hai;

jaanta hoon ki nahi main is kaabil,
ki do kadam tumhare saath chal sakta,
hamari ek duniya basa kar,
is samaj ki nazron se tumhe chura sakta,
par jo tum mujhe apne dil se door, apni kalai pe bhi sajaati,
tab bhi main tumhari dhadkano ko sunn sakta...